I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I deserve this hangover.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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