the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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