I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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