I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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