I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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