my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
