If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
