I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
