Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
