Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
