we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
