You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
