Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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