I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
