So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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