First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
