I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
