You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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