If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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