peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
