I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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