I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
