Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
