He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
