Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
