I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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