Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
