I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
