Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
