Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
