i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
