I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
