i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
