3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm lost and stupid without you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
