the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
