You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
that is very illegal...i love you.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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