Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
