no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
