I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You took a bar mat shot.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If I die, sorry about rent.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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