my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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