Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
