new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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