we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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