So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
