Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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