I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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