She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
