ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Floor bacon is actually really good
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
