You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
