We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
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Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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