You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
