Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
