Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
