I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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