Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
